God's character

Good Tuesday!

I thought I would actually do my blog on the day that I have planned for it and that would be today.

I had a GREAT and long overdue conversation with a dear friend from college. We talked for a good hour and a half. I find it interesting that, friends you have had for years though you haven’t spoken in a long time, it is just like you talked to them yesterday.

I want to share a bit of what I shared with them. I am reading two books. One is a deeply spiritual book entitled Captivating, by John & Staci Eldredge. Captivating is a book about ‘The Mystery of a Woman’s Soul’. Before you laugh, honestly, most of you know me. I am not one for ‘spiritual books’ however, I have to tell you, this book has really spoken to me. I want to quote a bit of the second chapter.

…"'You will find me,” says the Lord, ‘when you seek me with all your heart.’ (Jer. 29:31). In other words, ‘Look for me, pursue me—I want you to pursue me…'God waits to be wanted.’

Can there be any doubt that God wants to be sought after? The first and greatest of all commands is to love him (Mark 12:29-30, Mat. 22:36-38). He wants us to love him. To seek him with all our hearts. A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. God longs to be desired. Just as woman long to be desired. This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of the woman, that deep yearning to be desired. Remember the story of Martha and Mary? Mary chose God, and Jesus said that that is what he wanted.

I know that is a lot to read, and there is a TON more, the point is. God longs to be loved, that is part of his character and in turn God has put that character in us, particularly us ladies. It is part of who HE is and that I shouldn’t feel ashamed or feel insecure for that. Now, that is not to say that there needs to be a balance, yearning verses co-dependency, etc, etc.

The second book I picked up as sort of a joke. My roommate told me a couple months ago that I needed to read it. It is NOT a spiritual book in the least. However, it has some good points and just made me come to some realizations about myself and those in my life.

I have a quote that I feel goes a long with the quote from Captivating.

“If..you’re spending a lot of energy trying to change yourself into something you think will make someone happier, then divorce yourself from that and move on. Don’t let someone make you feel stupid about wanting to be loved.

I found that to be probably some of the ‘best’ advice I have heard in a long time.

Why would you put yourself in a situation that makes you feel like less of a person or makes you feel worthless? Your feelings are valid. If someone makes you feel that they aren't then that is not right. Honestly, I don’t think that God wants us to be doormats or people who think that we are worthless.

He created us for HIS glory and for relationships that glorify Him. How is belittling yourself honoring God? God has really been speaking to me these past couple of weeks. Sure, it is a ‘crappy’ time of year and most of you know I really can not stand the whole holiday scene.

Please do not get me wrong. I am grateful that Christ came and recognize the significance of that. It is when I realize that I don’t have a family to spend time with is when it really starts to bother me. However, God created me with a purpose. He knew me before I was even born. I need to hold true to His promises and that He has purpose in everything. He created me as a woman, with His character and the need for uplifting relationships and that isn’t something to be ashamed of.

real relationships

I know I am really late this week. Been really busy.

So I have so much going on in my head this week, I cannot seem to pick one thing to talk about. Maybe that is why I have been procrastinating. (I spelled that right on the first try)

It is funny, I am thinking about last week’s blog and how the opposite I feel at this moment. I was talking to a friend of mine, I said I feel like two people. One who feels as if I deserve the best that God has for me and I shouldn’t settle for anything less. Then there is the other side of me who feels unloved and unworthy of anything.

It seems lately that more times than not the second part of me seems to win the battle. I was talking to my therapist. You should try it, it has been good for me.

I look at my life and for the most part it is pretty decent. I have a great job, a great place to live, a great roommate, friends who care and love me. However, there is the one thing I feel it is lacking and for some reason that seems to matter so much more then the other things put together. I think that is the longing of a sense of belonging or for a family.

I am not saying I want to be married with kids right now or anything. I mean the sense of a real family, people that love you unconditionally and do would not think twice about being there for your or doing whatever for you.

Most of you know my history and what not…so I asked my therapist why do I long for something that I have never had. I mean not to be all boo-hoo’y, however it is how it is. I have taken care of myself as long as I can remember. I mean God has blessed me with friends, but honestly, at the end of the day it is me and Trinity.
(Boy! I am glad my mom doesn’t read this anymore.)

So…my therapist says the reason is because God created us for those types of relationships.

Hmmmmm..interesting. How we long for something we never had because that is who we are made to be. Yes, I think that part of that for me would be a real and meaningful relationship with someone who first of all, loved God more than me or even themselves. Then through that to have the type of relationship that I feel that God as called us to.

It was funny, as I type this I am thinking about another question my therapist asked me. What do I think of when I think of a Godly or a Christian marriage? I sat there and thought, Respect, integrity, worshipping together, realizing how selfish we are and trying to put others needs ahead of our own, the list goes on.

I thought, wow, that is a lot to ask…but then I look at marriages and relationships of friends and loved ones. I mean no one is perfect, heaven’s no. However, I look at people and realize, yes that is the type of relationship I want and I look at others and say NO that is NOT what I want. :)

I am not sure where I am going with this today…just things I have been thinking about and where do I see my life going?

Am I willing to compromise just to be in a relationship and not to be alone? I think obviously the answer is no. Though it doesn't make any less harder.

I think that God knows what He is doing better than me. THOUGH I wish He would clue me in from time to time, it would make things A LOT easier.

worthiness

I know I am a day or so behind on my Blog. Impatient people! I have been thinking about so much this week I am not sure what to share.

Have you looked at your life wonder who the person in the mirror is? Have you had a circumstance or a situation in your life define who you are and you are not even sure who that person is? You look at yourself where did I go?

I have been thinking over the past couple of weeks and realized that there was a situation that has caused me to do that. It has brought out all of my insecurities and self-doubt.

I had to ask myself. Is this who I really want to be? I think the answer would be no. Should I let the actions of others define who I am? No. I am an independent person, a Godly woman. Not someone who needs to find their worth in someone else.

I do not want to be defined by a circumstance or a situation. I want to be defined by the person God is calling me to be. I have been realizing WHY I have been letting myself be defined this way and it has been good to get at the root.

I need to be the person I know that I am. To use a phrase that Shane uses…I need to “lay hold of Jesus”. Really knowing that my value and self-worth comes from Christ. Regardless of my parents or others and know that I ‘am’ loved and worthy of love.

It is a hard lesson to learn…and it is a daily struggle.

Here are some truths.

God created us:
1. To worship & glorify Him.
2. For relationships.

It is a balance of finding those relationships in HIM. Not because they are easy. I mean I think Jen will be “ok” with me using her as an example. Most of you know she and I struggle at times with our relationship. The easy thing for both of us would be to run the other way, but God has not call us to do that. She is my sister and I love her dearly (& visa versa). Through the struggle God has blessed us both. We have grown closer and I wouldn’t trade her in for anything. Relationships are about growth and struggle and learning to rely on God’s word. Through that we become closer.

So…all of that to say. Relationships are important that God has created us for them, however you (I) can not let other people define the person that you are. Regardless of how much you may love them or care about them. People will only fail you. God is the true source of your worthiness.