real relationships

I know I am really late this week. Been really busy.

So I have so much going on in my head this week, I cannot seem to pick one thing to talk about. Maybe that is why I have been procrastinating. (I spelled that right on the first try)

It is funny, I am thinking about last week’s blog and how the opposite I feel at this moment. I was talking to a friend of mine, I said I feel like two people. One who feels as if I deserve the best that God has for me and I shouldn’t settle for anything less. Then there is the other side of me who feels unloved and unworthy of anything.

It seems lately that more times than not the second part of me seems to win the battle. I was talking to my therapist. You should try it, it has been good for me.

I look at my life and for the most part it is pretty decent. I have a great job, a great place to live, a great roommate, friends who care and love me. However, there is the one thing I feel it is lacking and for some reason that seems to matter so much more then the other things put together. I think that is the longing of a sense of belonging or for a family.

I am not saying I want to be married with kids right now or anything. I mean the sense of a real family, people that love you unconditionally and do would not think twice about being there for your or doing whatever for you.

Most of you know my history and what not…so I asked my therapist why do I long for something that I have never had. I mean not to be all boo-hoo’y, however it is how it is. I have taken care of myself as long as I can remember. I mean God has blessed me with friends, but honestly, at the end of the day it is me and Trinity.
(Boy! I am glad my mom doesn’t read this anymore.)

So…my therapist says the reason is because God created us for those types of relationships.

Hmmmmm..interesting. How we long for something we never had because that is who we are made to be. Yes, I think that part of that for me would be a real and meaningful relationship with someone who first of all, loved God more than me or even themselves. Then through that to have the type of relationship that I feel that God as called us to.

It was funny, as I type this I am thinking about another question my therapist asked me. What do I think of when I think of a Godly or a Christian marriage? I sat there and thought, Respect, integrity, worshipping together, realizing how selfish we are and trying to put others needs ahead of our own, the list goes on.

I thought, wow, that is a lot to ask…but then I look at marriages and relationships of friends and loved ones. I mean no one is perfect, heaven’s no. However, I look at people and realize, yes that is the type of relationship I want and I look at others and say NO that is NOT what I want. :)

I am not sure where I am going with this today…just things I have been thinking about and where do I see my life going?

Am I willing to compromise just to be in a relationship and not to be alone? I think obviously the answer is no. Though it doesn't make any less harder.

I think that God knows what He is doing better than me. THOUGH I wish He would clue me in from time to time, it would make things A LOT easier.