who am I?

I just typed in the title...makes me think of Zoolander. he he


Warning. Today’s Blog is one of the, as I call them, deep & insightful posts.

I have discovered when you go through a crisis or a major tragedy, you tend to look at your life and evaluated it. Rather if it is intention or not.

I have had a couple of really good discussions as of late with a couple of friends who are dear to my heart. One, a friend I have been friends with for well over 10 years.

So, I am speaking to my friend about life and things that have gone on, etc. etc. She said something to me, that at the time, really made me a little angry. She said ‘Mel, I have heard what you are saying and you do not sound like the person that I know.’ Which really got me to thinking. Wow. I mean this person has known me for 10 years, we lived together, we’ve prayed together, we’ve cried together, and here she is saying she doesn’t know me.

That got me to thinking about my life over the past year or so. I started thinking, why would she say that to me? Well, perhaps, it is because there are some things in my life that I have compromised on in order to fit in or conform. To feel accepted or to not feel out of place.

I started to think about my second friend, who had described me once with a certain adjective. “Wholesome.” I really thought at the time, that they were silly, but then I thought. There was a reason that this person thought that. There was something in me that the person saw. Where did that part of me go?

I think over the past year or so, I have been living a life contrary to what I believe. I am not saying that I have been actively seeking out malicious things or saying to myself. OH I am going to be a ‘rebel’. No, nothing like that. Just trying to make myself into what I ‘think’ that I should be with group A or group B.

My friend, Tim, back in Nashville, said something to me a once that meant a lot. He said, “Mel, people tend to be different people with different groups, that is except for you, you pretty much are the same.” Which, honestly is how I try to live. However, I think over the past year or so, I have been too worried about being ‘accepted’ or trying to do what everyone else is doing.

It is more of a state of mind, finding and figuring out what is important to you. First of all, the MOST important thing to me is my relationship with God. I have been ‘church shopping’ and I have grown to see how important that this is. To have a place where you can worship and it makes me realized how blessed I am to have a church home and that I really need to make an effort to be there.

Secondly, it is thinking about those who are important to you. Who do you love? Who do you want to be a part of your life?

It isn’t so much of a, how did I put this the other day, ‘class’ issue, meaning how much money you have. Honestly, I have always considered myself middle class. Granted, I might not be in the ‘upper crust’, and that is fine. I have now actually set some goals for myself and am excited about that.

It isn’t the fact that I don’t have a huge house or drive a BMW. (ooh though I would like to). It is really more deciding what is important to you. How do I live my life? Is this ‘healthy’? Is this pleasing to God? Why am I doing this?

It is looking at your life, your family for some, for me it is mainly my friends. Who would they say I am? Well, a little over a year ago, I could tell you what they would say. Today, I am not so sure.

I think I have come to a point that I realize what I need to do, what is important to me. Who is important to me? Is that friendship/relationship worth fighting for? Why do I feel this way? Is this something that God is calling me to do?

I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you, I have a peace in my life that I haven’t had in quite a long time. I do not feel as if I am living in ‘crisis’ mode and for the past four months, I can honestly say that is where I have been. AND I know some of you know better than others.

This past Saturday, was some of the most fun I have had in a long time. Being with friends, being with those people who really and honestly love you for you and have been there through everything. For that I am MORE then blessed. It really brought to light some things I had been pondering and trying to figure out. Some things I am more sure than ever, others are in a ‘holding’ pattern.

I know that this has been sporadic and I do tend to ramble, however I do hope that it makes sense. It is just something to think about in your own life.

Thanks for reading.